Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
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I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Air conditioning – not a fan
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.