can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
You Might Also Like
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain