Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
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I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Hello, my name is Pierre.