Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
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Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
is this a warning or an offer?
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.