can’t believe I got front row seats
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A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Finally!
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS