Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
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That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
This will never not be funny to me.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants