Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
You Might Also Like
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.