@robdelaney

Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.

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@RealPrincessKim

A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.

@ojedge

[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]

@SoVeryBritish

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”

@daddygofish

Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…

aaaaand I’m drunk.

@dshack8

Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.

@Dawn_M_

It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.

@CerebralWreck

[date started at 9 pm]

[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.

[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.

@surrealvehicle

i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right

@LlamaInaTux

Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it

Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?

Inventor: no, 24

Friend: so will the day start at 1

Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night

Friend:

Inventor: the 6 means 30

@dave_cactus

ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.