cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
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Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops