Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
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Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?