Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
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According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative