Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
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Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
I found your tweet-up…
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT