can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
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When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”