Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
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[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.