Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
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[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
I bet
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Breaking news:
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.