@Dakota_Conduct

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

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@cryptomanran

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

@bourgeoisalien

serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

@traciebreaux

“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old

@TheHyyyype

texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys

@notalogin

[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:

@psybermonkey

King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again

King (drunk af): let the horses try

@ShelbyWolstein

i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.

@MichaelTrying

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?

@Gorrdano

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

@KalvinMacleod

911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*