Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

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A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?


serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?


“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old


texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys


CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?


King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again

King (drunk af): let the horses try


i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.


The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?


I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.


911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*