Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
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[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.