Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
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him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule