Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s name him something that will make children smile

“How about Santa?”

Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him

Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.

“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house

“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”

Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.

16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’

doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark

me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right

doctor: you no longer have legs

me: just like a shark

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

me: whatcha guys watching?

10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie

The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…

I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.

I love strapping my kids into their car seats.

It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.

“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before

Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,

I’m a terrible gardener.

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.

Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.

Wife: Don’t tweet that

Me: *thinks about it*

Wife: I’ll divorce you

Me: *thinks harder*

Wife: And give you all 4 kids

Me: *hits delete*

“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.

So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.

ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?

*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*

Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper

Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience

Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels

Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid

5: they also didn’t have cars

Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.

watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them

I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.