@cryptomanran A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
@Dakota_Conduct Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
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@cryptomanran 
@bourgeoisalien serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
@traciebreaux “You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
@TheHyyyype texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
@notalogin [Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
@psybermonkey King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
@ShelbyWolstein i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
@MichaelTrying The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
@Gorrdano I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
@KalvinMacleod 911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*