Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why

My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…

I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal

The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

My son kneed himself on the trampoline.

*black eye forming

Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.

Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year

[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?

*first day as getaway driver

“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.

Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….

MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?

Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?

My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment

You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.

Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily

Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home

*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*

i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.

[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?

Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.

Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.

Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?

October already? What’s next? November????

It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.

Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today

Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”