Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
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SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?