Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
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The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with