can’t catch a break
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I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
My current situation
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show