Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
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*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.