Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
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*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.