Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
You Might Also Like
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…