Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
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You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
my sentiments exactly
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.