Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
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Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”