Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
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The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.