@bigdybbukenergy

can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this

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@Brianhopecomedy

On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

@iamkits

Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

@sixthformpoet

How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.

@1Happytwit

A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.

@StumblerTop

I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.

@adamgreattweet

ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic

@iAmDelFreaky

Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?

Her: Yeah, a little…

Me: I was talking to my mom!

Mom: No, I’m fine.

@pudding_club

The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.

2044: the weekend becomes sentient.

2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.