can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
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“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?