can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this

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Me: God grant me the serenity.

God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.


I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings


[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito


coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning

me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast


We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.


[invention of history]

Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.


The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.


“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”

haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?


when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral