Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
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I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
[on my deathbed]
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral