Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
You Might Also Like
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
ouch
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.