Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
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I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”