Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
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[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
mmm onion ringos
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”