Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.

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*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier


In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”


Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!


Me, a pilot:

“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”


Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.


‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco


“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
“Please hold for the president.”


Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.

Anyways, making friends is hard.


Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*


Operator: what’s your emergency

Me: my fridge fell on me

Operator: is anything broken

Me: some eggs maybe