Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
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Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Me trying to walk in a dream
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.