Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
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{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Who says great literature is dead?
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.