Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
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“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
umm…
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
But that’s none of my business
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…