Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
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I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
No. He’s not coming out to play
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
This is always good for a laugh.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…