Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
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*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.