cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
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I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.