Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.

USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔

I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me

billionaire: we’re all in this together

everyone: you lost money too?

billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer

[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]

12: No, you shut up!

14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!

Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*

It’s so funny how dracula in marvel is a thing and he is constantly in the background as a looming threat but noone cares but blade

I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.

Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney

Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE

[itsy bitsy spider diary]

Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.

[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later

Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”

I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”

Me: I’ll be home a little late today.

Son: Why?

Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.

Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.

boss: you’re late

me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour

boss: did it work

me: no, I think I need better shoes

cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or

12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.

Me: What was your objective?

12: To be done with my school project.

Nailed it.

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

Nosferatu

Nosfera2

Nosf3ratu

Nos4atu

Nosferatu 5: Assignment Miami Beach

I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.

Friend: Oh, OCD?

Me: Children.

Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.

my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus