Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
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With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool