Can’t stop laughing
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5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows