can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
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There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.