@LostFelicia

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie

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@robfee

This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.

@Smug_Lemur

Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”

@Reverend_Scott

🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-

“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”

@Tmoney68

My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

@Grommit56

Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?

He really should be.

@Tmoney68

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

@thepaulasuzanne

Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.

@TomE83_

Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.

@CornOnTheGoblin

thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes