“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
You Might Also Like
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
this is how life feels
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.