@ieatanddrink
@JennyJohnsonHi5 I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
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@JennyJohnsonHi5 
@Gre_Gone Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
@KentWGraham I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
@ch000ch step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
@Cheeseboy22 Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
@Aspersioncast I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
@FredTaming interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
@ShockTartBionic Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
@Darlainky Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
@Rollinintheseat Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.