@ieatanddrink

Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

@Gre_Gone

Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?

@KentWGraham

I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.

@ch000ch

step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks

@Cheeseboy22

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

@Aspersioncast

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

@FredTaming

interviewer: your resume says you like being read to

me: and then what happened

@ShockTartBionic

Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?

Are you even trying to keep him alive?

@Darlainky

Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.

@Rollinintheseat

Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.