Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?

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I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.


Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?


I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.


step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks


Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.


I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.


interviewer: your resume says you like being read to

me: and then what happened


Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?

Are you even trying to keep him alive?


Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.


Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.