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[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”