Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
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*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that