Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
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Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
These aliens are taking forever.