Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
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kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”
[the lamaze class seems confused]
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
He: Does he bite?
He: How does he eat then?
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.