Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
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[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Good news
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
me working on my assignments ^-^
This classic never gets old . . .
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.