Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

[During acupuncture]

Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH

I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.

The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.

I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened

Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist

If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up

I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.

every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.

Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

Nine: There’s safety in numbers

Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*

Lmaoo 😂

hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.

her: and what do you do?

me: I’m a mail escort

postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.

Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—

4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.

Clark Kent is such a hipster.

He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman

its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads

I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”

The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired

This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting

[Commercial for Disneyland]

Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?

They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.

My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?

Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!

Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?