Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
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Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)