Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
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Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
The Weeknd is back
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
fixed it
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.