Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk

🙋‍♀️

Some people like to stir the pot…

…I prefer to smoke it.

Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap

If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed

I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed

You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law

The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.

Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.

me, too, girl. me, too.

just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine

Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.

Have put a film on instead.

Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂

every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.

[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]

*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”

the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season

100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree

If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.

When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY

WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record

Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.

I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence

*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????

I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper

Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.