Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.

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Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?


House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”


I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.


Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.


I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.


12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean


DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts


*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-



Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?


Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me