Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
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I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes