Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
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There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous