Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
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Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
I feel seen.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.