#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
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[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.