@1followernodad

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

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@bobvulfov

[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children

@YoungNobler

Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.

@tastefactory

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

@carlyken

Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]

@KandyKoehn

me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth

@permawedgie

The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.

Cunts love it when you call them that.

@JediGigi

*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!

@PJTLynch

Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”

[crowd goes nuts]

A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”

@BuglegsMcWalshy

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.