Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
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Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
But is it really??
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks